i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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