I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Life is so much better after having sex.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
