I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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