I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
