The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
