Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
