areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
