you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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