he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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