He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
