Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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