How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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