he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
