I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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