things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
