So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
