I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
