Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize