he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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