But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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