the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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