just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
