he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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