So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
