okay pat passed out under dana's car
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
