Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
