you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
