Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He uses pillows to masturbate.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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