You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
