Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We have started to decorate penises.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize