just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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