I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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