we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
God I need to hump something, right now.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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