i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
