At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
