Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize