So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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