you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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