Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
