i already hear my dad disowning me
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
