Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
