You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
