MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
