I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
