everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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