I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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