im about as happy as oj after his trial
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
