new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
