Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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