I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
