i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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