we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
