Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
