I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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