New low: just hacked my moms facebook
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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