so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
