I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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