He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
