Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
