Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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