Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I forget how to act sober
Randomize